Navigating High Conflict: Tools and Insights for Tough Interactions
High-conflict situations—whether in relationships, the workplace, or society at large—can feel like emotional minefields. This experience is increasingly common: maybe you’re navigating a difficult divorce, co-parenting with an ex, managing workplace disputes, trying to stay connected to estranged family, or stuck in a romantic relationship that feels more explosive than supportive.
The good news? You’re not alone—and a growing body of research is shedding light on how high conflict develops and, more importantly, how we can move through it.
In High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out, journalist Amanda Ripley explores how ordinary disagreements can escalate into all-consuming battles. She explains that high conflict often arises when identity, fear, and certainty override curiosity and connection. “High conflict is what happens when the normal rules of engagement break down—and emotion takes over,” she writes. Ripley encourages us to resist polarization and instead engage with humility and inquiry—tools that help de-escalate even the most entrenched disputes. As she puts it, “Curiosity is a powerful antidote to high conflict.” The book provides real world examples of high conflict and is an overview of this type of conflict as it operates in our broader society.
Organizations—including governments, universities, workplaces and more—are also recognizing that high conflict isn’t just disruptive; it’s costly. Over time, conflict within teams that does not get resolved can lead to loss of valuable talent, reduce employee morale and cost companies significantly in terms of lost productivity and profits. But organizations can do something about this. Carnegie Mellon University, for example, offers an online resource through its Student Affairs division that defines high conflict and provides tools for managing it: CMU Student Affairs – Civility – High Conflict. By educating students early, they aim to prevent conflicts from escalating beyond repair. Other organizations, including private companies, are increasingly reaching out to professionals that can train their employees on how to recognize and resolve these types of conflict and promote the valuable team work that is the hallmark of every successful organization.
For those in intimate partnerships, Help for High-Conflict Couples by Jacqueline Wielick and Jenny Estes Powell offers a compassionate and practical guide. The authors provide strategies to interrupt cycles of blame and defensiveness, instead emphasizing empathy, validation, and boundary-setting: “Even in the most reactive relationships, small changes in how we respond can create space for healing.” Their book includes exercises and techniques to help couples break free from painful dynamics. Additional tools are available at their website and and on their YouTube channel.
No discussion of high conflict would be complete without Bill Eddy, a therapist, lawyer, and co-founder of the High Conflict Institute alongside Megan Hunter. Eddy has written extensively on managing high-conflict personalities, and has a plethora of excellent books on dealing with this subject. A great book to start with is BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People. It offers a simple but powerful framework for communication. “BIFF” stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm—a method that helps keep your message clear and reduces emotional escalation. Whether you’re responding to a hostile text or navigating co-parenting emails, BIFF can help you stay grounded and avoid feeding the drama.
Eddy’s book High Conflict People in Legal Disputes further examines the behavioral patterns behind prolonged legal battles—traits like all-or-nothing thinking, unmanaged emotions, and constant blame. Recognizing these patterns early is key. As Eddy writes, “High conflict people aren’t just difficult—they follow predictable patterns. Recognizing them is the first step to managing them.”
While we can’t always avoid high-conflict situations, we can control how we engage with them. Across all these resources, one message stands out: high conflict isn’t just about “difficult people”—it’s about predictable dynamics that can be understood, managed, and even changed. The key lies in our own responses. Whether you’re a professional peacemaker or someone caught in the crossfire, these insights offer clarity, hope, and a path forward.
